fun for all the children of the
"How To Treat
By Morris Gilbert
met an elf man in the woods,
The wee-est little elf!
Sitting under a mushroom tall--Twas
taller than himself!
"How do you do,
little elf," I said,
"And what do you do all day?"
"I dance 'n fwolic about," said he,
"'N scuttle about and play;"
"I s'prise the butterflies, 'n when
A katydid I see,
'Katy didn't' I say, and he
Says 'Katy did!' to me!
"I hide behind my mushroom stalk
When Mister Mole comes froo,
'N only jus' to fwighten him
I jump out'n say 'Boo!'
"'N then I swing on a cobweb
Up in the air so high,
'N the cwickets chirp to hear me sing
"'N then I play with the baby chicks,
I call them, chick chick chick!
'N what do you think of that?" said he.
I said, "It makes me sick.
"It gives me sharp and shooting pains
To listen to such drool."
I lifted up my foot, and squashed
The God damn little fool.
Bishop (April 15, 1893 November 20,
1973) was an American scholar,
biographer, author, and
humorist. Morris Bishop's comic poems
appeared in magazines such as The Saturday Evening
Post, The New Yorker, and Life. They were collected
in two volumes, Paramount Poems(subtitled "If it
isn't a PARAMOUNT it isn't a poem"), and Spilt
"How to Treat Elves," probably his
best-known poem, describes a conversation with "The
wee-est little elf." When asked what he does, the
elf tells the narrator "'I dance 'n fwolic about,'
said he, "'n scuttle about and play.'" A few
stanzas describe his activities surprising
butterflies, "fwigtening" Mr. Mole by jumping out
and saying "Boo," and swinging on cobwebs. He asks
the narrator "what do you think of